


Returning Shadow

by NoOneKnowsIWriteThis



Category: Silent Hill (Video Game Series)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Major Illness, Maria Ending (Silent Hill), Murder-Suicide, Repression, Suicide, Typical James Stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:08:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23206189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis/pseuds/NoOneKnowsIWriteThis
Summary: Maria has gone missing, so James returns to the one place he can think of to look for her: Silent Hill. It goes about as well as can be expected, considering.
Relationships: Maria/James Sunderland, Mary Shepherd-Sunderland/James Sunderland
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Returning Shadow

James abandons the car at the observation deck, just like last time. He’s here to find Mary. No, his wife died several years ago, or less than one year ago. His mind is fuzzy. He’s here to find Maria.

Maria had vanished without a trace. She’d been coughing more and more, so there was a chance she’d gone to a hospital, but James somehow knew that he’d find her where he’d first met her: Silent Hill.

His first instinct is to go to Rosewater Park, since that’s where he’d originally encountered her.

Unlike last time, the town seems almost eager to welcome him. There are still no people and the streets are engulfed in a blinding fog, but he doesn’t encounter any monsters as he makes his way toward the park, so in comparison to his previous visit the town feels downright friendly. He doesn’t let his guard down though. He still has the flashlight and radio from last time, and he has a pistol in his jacket pocket.

The park is as deserted as the rest of the town. No Maria. No Mary. No mysterious third woman who looks strangely like his previous two.

James leans against the railing and gazes absently at the lake as he tries to determine where Maria could be. The hotel was for Mary, so she wouldn’t be there. Other than that, he felt like he’d been around half the town with her.

_Heaven’s Night_. The name comes to him suddenly. Of course. She’d unlocked the door for him. It was the only place in this town she’d shown any kind of affiliation with.

He runs across the town, no longer comforted by the radio’s lack of static or the streets’ seeming emptiness. If there aren’t monsters now, it’s because they aren’t needed yet, but they will be.

He enters the club through the main entrance rather than the back this time. It’s empty, but the main lights are on. A chair sits alone, facing the stage. James finds himself drawn to it.

The moment he sits, the lights go out. Instantly his hand is on his gun, but then the music starts, not the pounding bass line expected of a place like this, but a delicate piano melody. The stage lights come up and a spotlight hits the curtains, which part just enough for a woman to slip through.

Mary.

Her modest dress and soft pink cardigan are completely at odds with their surroundings. Of course James still finds her beautiful, but in a way that’s incongruous with a strip club. Her heels click as she walks down the stage. Her hand raises and carelessly wraps around the pole as she circles it.

_“Mary.”_ The name leaves him like a sigh. He isn’t even aware that he’s spoken until her head turns and her eyes meet his.

“James.” Her gaze is unflinching and cool. She’s upset with him.

He swallows heavily, but can’t move from his seat as she leans back against the pole, her hands reaching above her head as she lazily sways her hips. It’s sensual, but not really sexual. She’s not Mary as he remembers her. Not quite. But she’s certainly not Maria either.

“What do you want, James?” she asks, looking down on him. “Why are you here?”

“I’m looking for...someone.” He hesitates. How could he tell his dead wife that he’s looking for his missing lover?

“Oh honey, did you lose another one?” One hand falls from the pole and she twirls around until the pole is between them. “You’re still so forgetful. Even now.”

James can’t find the words to respond, but a pit of dread forms in his stomach. He knows he’s forgotten something. Something important. Something he desperately _doesn’t_ want to remember.

“James, James, James,” Mary chides sweetly. “What have you done?”

Finally he manages to stand, the urge to bolt pounding through his brain, but he hesitates for a moment.

That moment is just long enough for everything to change.

The spotlight on Mary narrows and changes from white to red as the curtains part behind her revealing a masculine figure dragging a large blade and with a strange triangular helmet-like thing over where his head should be.

James only has enough time to scream as the Red Pyramid Thing lurches forward and thrusts his knife through Mary’s chest.

For her part, Mary just looks down at James pityingly as the light leaves her eyes.

James doesn’t linger. He flees from the club and the slaughter of his dead wife.

It’s as if the scene in Heaven’s Night was the cue the whole town was waiting for. Suddenly the streets are filled with monsters. The mannequin creatures are back, flailing their upper legs at him. The nurses too. They stumble towards him, their chests jerking down and forward so he could see right down their low cut dresses if he stopped to look.

He sprints past all of them, not really sure where he’s going except _away._ Away from Not-Mary and the horrifying monster that killed her. The same creature that he watched kill Maria the last time he was here. He dreads to think what that means for this visit.

He finds shelter in a house. It’s dilapidated, but in the past it would have been quaint, the sort of place he’d always imagined living one day with Mary before everything fell apart. He stands in the bathroom, leaning against the sink as he catches his breath. He can faintly feel his legs aching and his lungs burning, the sensations temporarily dulled by adrenaline.

Slowly, he looks up to examine himself in the mirror and fails to hold back a gasp as he spots Maria’s reflection.

Suddenly he can feel her. Her chin rests on his shoulder. One hand rests at his hip, the other grips loosely at his jacket.

“Hey,” she purrs, her breath tickling his ear.

_“Maria.”_ He says her name softly, like a prayer.

She presses closer against his back and smiles at him. “Why are you here, James?” she asks, echoing Mary’s earlier question.

“Looking for you,” James answers easily. He almost smiles. Almost. “You disappeared. I was worried.”

“Worried about me?” Her thumb starts rubbing lightly in a circle on his hip. He can only just feel it through the thick fabric of his jeans.

He nods. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

She chuckles and it rankles. Her laugh has always cut him to the core. There's something about it that makes him feel like she's judging him and finding him wanting.

"Maria, I—" He turns, fully intending to reassure her that he was here for _her_ , not anyone else, only to find himself alone in the decaying bathroom.

James looks around but there's no evidence that Maria or anyone else was ever present. He runs his hand through his hair and lets out a sigh.

As he makes his way through the rest of the house, he searches absently for first aid kits or bullets, anything that could help him. A flier on the fridge in the kitchen catches his eye. It's new, which makes it stand out against the faded remains of a calendar and the moldy grocery list.

The flier is advertising the Lakeside Amusement Park, a landmark James hadn’t visited last time. It lists off various attractions including a carousel and a Ferris wheel. Most interestingly someone has circled the part where the flier declares a buy two tickets, get one free deal. James pulls the flier from the fridge to get a better look and notices a silver paperclip in the corner. A crisp white ticket hangs on the back of the flier along with a handwritten message: “See you there!” The signature of the writer is smudged out, but James can clearly tell that the first letter is an M.

James stares at the message for a long time before shoving the ticket into his pocket. The flier is crumpled and abandoned as he leaves the house.

The monsters are still out in force as he walks around the lake to the amusement park, but they appear to be exclusively Mannequins and Nurses. The bugs he’d encountered last time are mercifully absent, along with the strange spitting creatures and the horrifying monsters Angela had referred to as her father. James counts it as a minor blessing. The Nurses and Mannequins are awkward in their gait and easily avoided by giving them a wide enough berth.

The walk leaves him with plenty of time to think and his thoughts are far from pleasant. Mary is dead. That’s certain. And yet her image has been resurrected by whatever force controls the town in order to send him some kind of message. Maria might still be alive, but every moment he spends here makes that possibility seem ever more remote. Then there’s the nagging feeling that he’s forgotten something important, something awful, something he couldn’t live with knowing.

Soon enough, he comes to the entrance to the amusement park. He places his ticket on the counter of the empty ticket taker’s booth and the gate clicks open for him, then slowly creaks back into place once he’s through.

James hadn’t come here the first time he’d visited the town, the _real_ town, or, rather, the regular version of the town, with Mary, hopeful and married and in love. Mary prefered quieter attractions and natural beauty, and James had never been fond of crowds. So they’d never visited the park despite it being so close to their hotel.

The amusement park he enters now is empty. Instead of paved walkways or even an old fashioned boardwalk, the paths are rusty metal grates and hanging beneath them James sees creatures. They’re fairly human-looking, though some of their monstrousness could simply be obscured by the fact that James has a poor view of them. They almost look like women dangling from the grates, except their arms are misshapen and strange with lip-like structures at the end instead of hands.

James puts off dealing with them by taking refuge on a park bench, which conveniently has the park’s guidebook lying on it. The guidebook contains the expected map of the park along with some guff about the park’s history and purpose. What catches his eye is a section describing the various attractions and rides in a way that’s clearly meant to entice the customers.

The passage describing the Ferris wheel starts off innocuous enough, but there’s a turn of phrase that feels too pointed to be a coincidence: _The perfect special place to be with the ones you love._

His instincts scream at him to throw the guidebook away, but instead he slips it into one of his jacket’s many pockets and makes his way towards where the Ferris wheel towers over the park. The dangling creatures try to grab at his feet as he passes by them. He doesn’t give them much time to strike.

Voices reach his ear as he goes through the entry to the Ferris wheel. Voices that are all too familiar. Standing at the base of the wheel with their backs to him are two women that he would recognize anywhere.

“Maria?” he calls, hurrying towards them. “Mary?”

They both turn to him at the same time, smiling identical, welcoming smiles.

“What took you so long, James?” Maria asks sweetly.

“Did you have trouble finding us?” Mary chimes in.

James comes to a stop in front of them, not able to fully believe what he’s seeing, but unwilling to disbelieve it. Both women here, seemingly alive, and happy to see him.

“You’re here,” he whispers. “You’re both here.”

“Of course we are, honey,” Mary states.

“Are you really all that surprised?” Maria teases.

They each take one of his hands and lead him into the waiting car of the Ferris wheel. The three of them all squish onto one side with James in between the two women as the ride shudders into motion.

“We’ve got a beautiful view of the lake,” Mary comments, turning away to better look out of the car.

James naturally turns to look too, even though so far the town has been so engulfed with fog that he’s barely been able to see a few feet ahead at any given time. To his surprise, it is actually clear enough that he can see Toluca Lake. There’s an eerie stillness about the water that unsettles him. Unbidden, he remembers the memorial he’d seen in Rosewater Park for the people who’d died from some sort of illness that were described as slumbering beneath the lake, as well as the vanishing of the _Little Baroness_. The lake’s tranquility seems less soothing and more ominous.

Still, for a moment everything is peaceful.

Then Mary begins to cough.

James’s feeling of dread returns in full force as Mary just keeps coughing and coughing, blood specks appearing on her sleeve as she tries to cover her mouth and her fit continues.

“No, Mary, honey, no,” he murmurs, pulling his hand free of Maria’s so he can hold Mary and trace soothing circles on her back.

It makes little difference. Mary’s coughing only worsens and soon she begins to make horrid violent hacking noises. She leans out of his grasp, over the side of the car and the coughing is replaced with retching. All too soon the illness saps Mary’s restored health and beauty away, covering her body with burn-like rashes.

“Jaaaames,” she groans, turning back to him. She begins to reach out to him slowly, and James, to his shame, flinches away, his back pressing against Maria’s chest.

“Do you hate me, James?” Mary asks forlornly, her hand hovering in the air between them.

Still, James hesitates.

“Don’t leave me alone!” she begs, sobbing, a pitiful creature.

She leans forward and James leans back, further into Maria’s embrace.

Then the pained, sickened version of his dead wife crumples in on herself and weeps.

“Please help me, James.”

“How?” he asks plaintively. “Mary, what can I do?”

Maria’s hand glides across his waist and slips into his jacket, pulling out the pistol James had been carrying. The gun slides across his chest before Maria presses it into his hand.

A chill runs through him at the implication.

“It hurts,” Mary cries out. “Every day, I’m just waiting for the end.”

“You can end it.” A whisper in his ear. Maria. James can’t take his eyes off of Mary, but it has to be Maria who said that because otherwise it’s his mind, and he can’t bear that idea.

“You said you’d be with me, James, in sickness and in health. Why didn’t you visit? Do you not love me anymore?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” he exclaims, the weight of the gun and his thoughts still heavy upon him. “Of course I love you, honey.”

"Then why won’t you help me?”

“Then why won’t you hold me?”

He’s not sure which woman said what. Their voices are so similar—virtually identical—that he genuinely cannot tell them apart. It feels like the world is spinning around him. He’s not even aware that his hand is moving until he feels the gun press up against something, Mary’s forehead. Maria’s hand slides up his arm towards the gun and suddenly the trigger has been pulled.

The gunshot snaps him out of his daze just in time to hear a mournful cry: _Why did you kill me, James?_

The pistol drops from his hand and clatters to the floor. He knows he should retrieve it—there’s no telling how long this reprieve from the monsters will last—but instead he’s watching Mary’s corpse fall back against the railing and, as if in slow motion, plummet over the edge.

“Mary!”

Far too late, he lunges forward, but her body is already gone. All James manages to do is rock the car they’re in.

He can't bring himself to look down, afraid of seeing his wife's body splattered on the pavement below or, worse, nothing at all. He stands, hovering close to the edge, but unwilling to look past it and instead he turns.

Maria is lounging casually on the bench, seemingly unaffected by what they just witnessed.

“You…” He trails off, unsure what he even wants to say.

Maria looks at him over her nails, one questioning eyebrow raised. She says nothing.

James just looks at her. Again. She really does look like she could be Mary’s long-lost twin. The similarity is almost eerie. And yet he also finds it strangely intriguing, how alike and unalike they are. It’s as if someone took Mary and reenvisioned her as more daring, more adventurous, and more sexual. He’s never wanted Mary to change, but if he had ever thought about it, Maria is exactly what he’d imagine, perhaps even had imagined in some forgotten, guilty dream.

The silence between them grows until Maria breaks it.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she teases, lying down on the bench and reaching her hand lazily down to retrieve James’s pistol.

He stands, a mute statue, unable or unwilling to do anything but watch as Maria draws the pistol to her chest and points it at her heart.

“What am I to you?” she puts forward lightly. The faux-casual question made even more loaded by the threat of the gun.

“Maria?” he asks dumbly. His body feels heavy and his mind sluggish. He’s not sure how to react, though he knows he should probably get the pistol away from her.

She tilts her head back and finds his eyes. “You poor, poor thing,” she coos. “So lonely for so long. Unwilling to face sleeping in an empty bed sober while your wife lay dying in the hospital.”

James can't speak; his mouth is uncomfortably dry. He wants to duck his head, but she’s below him and he can’t escape her gaze.

“How many long and lonely nights did you spend sitting in that chair until you were too tired to stay awake?” Something subtle shifts in her expression, sympathy warps into cruelty.

“Please, I…” He manages to find his voice, though not anything to say. His hand begins to reach out jerkily towards Maria, but he stops when she points the gun toward him. “Maria…”

“Was I not enough for you?” she asks brokenly. Her arm lowers and the gun points to her temple. “Wasn't I what you wanted? James?”

“What? Maria, of course I want you. I asked you to come with me when we left Silent Hill. I meant that.”

A cough wracks Maria’s body, forcing her to roll onto her side. She lowers the gun back to the floor, but that suddenly seems unimportant. James steps forward and kneels by her side, placing a hand on her back. They stay like that until her coughing fit subsides.

There's a fresh spot of blood on the floor.

"All you care about is yourself," Maria hisses, turning so James can see the venom in her eyes. "You _never_ loved me. Did you even love _her_?"

James can feel his hand curling into a tight fist at his side.

"Don't," he speaks, his voice barely above a whisper. "It isn't true. Don't say that, Maria."

"Or what?" she challenges. "You'll kill me?"

"No." The denial is far weaker than James wants to admit. "I won't."

She laughs bitterly. "So you say." Her hand flies to his cheek, James flinches slightly, but instead of striking him her fingers caress his skin. "We're pitiful, James. You shouldn't have picked me. It would've been so much easier..." She coughs once, weakly.

James isn't quite sure why, but the only thing it seems right to do is lean down and kiss her, so he does. For Maria's part, it's more of a gasp than a kiss as she exhales her last breath into his mouth.

The Ferris wheel comes to a stop with James's car at the bottom. He lifts Maria's lifeless body into his arms and looks out into the dark amusement park.

A pair of the pyramid headed creatures stand on either side of the Ferris wheel car door facing each other. They each hold a spear and are so still they could easily be mistaken for statues.

James clutches Maria's corpse closer to his chest, but neither the Ferris wheel nor the monsters move. There's no choice but to exit between them.

Cautiously, he steps out of the car, and the two creatures remain still. It's not until he steps past them that they move, turning towards him. James freezes despite every survival instinct he has demanding that he run as fast and as far away as possible.

But the executioners don't attack. They don't do anything until James resumes walking forward. Then they trail behind him like a twisted honor guard, each following a step behind and to the side.

All the other paths are blocked, so James finds himself shepherded to the entrance for the Tunnel of Love. When he tries to turn back, the two Pyramid Heads stand in his way, their spears crossed.

James is suddenly keenly aware that he left his pistol in the Ferris wheel.

With no alternative route, James places Maria's body in one of the ostentatious swan boats and settles in as best he can beside her corpse.

The ride slowly begins as dread pools in James’s stomach. He’s never been on this sort of ride before, but he can already guess the subject matter this otherworldly version will cover.

Scenes from his life with Mary play out in silhouette as the boat proceeds through the tunnel. Some of his worst failures are recreated for him to relive. The town doesn’t spare him the moment of her death either.

Where last time the scene had been mercifully muted on the video tape, this time her scream echoes around him and rattles James to his very core. It’s a horrific sound to hear, made even worse by the knowledge that he was the one who caused her to make that noise of fear and pain.

His head and heart both ache.

He would run if there were anywhere for him to go. Instead the boat lazily continues along its path, and James rides in it alongside a corpse.

He hoped the ride would end with Mary, but instead it continues. He is still shown as a shadow, but now the woman, Maria, is portrayed by one of those mannequin creatures stuttering through simple poses as the scenes play out, and James is forced to watch himself make the same mistakes once more as Maria falls ill and he fails to cope yet again.

Maria hadn’t screamed when he smothered her. She just looked at him with disappointed eyes, as if she had expected it all along, but still hoped he would have done better.

The mannequin can’t capture Maria’s expression, but it does manage to replicate the eerie stillness with which she lay, resigned to her fate.

James turns away, only to be gruesomely reminded that Maria’s dead body is sat next to him.

The ride comes to its end, the boat stopping where James originally boarded. The two Pyramid Heads are still there, waiting for him. Now James can no longer deny why they are present. They are executioners. He has been judged and been found wanting. They are here to carry out his sentence. He will not leave this town alive. He should never have left this town alive in the first place.

James steps out of the boat and turns to retrieve Maria’s corpse, but is pulled away by one of the creatures. The other gently lifts her body and cradles her tenderly in his arms, like one would a sleeping child.

James does not struggle as he is led out of the amusement park. He knows better than to try to escape his punishment. He knows what he deserves. He only looks back to see if the other Pyramid Head is following with Maria. It wouldn’t be right to leave her behind.

He is taken to the dock near the charred remains of the Lakeside Hotel. A rowboat waits, bobbing on the gentle waves. It is ominous in its simplicity.

James looks, but he can’t see the second Pyramid Head through the fog. All that remained of Maria has vanished with him. The monster that’s still present points emphatically to the rowboat. When James hesitates, something that can only be described as a black tentacle slithers out from beneath the trapezoidal helmet, wrapped in its grasp is a handgun, presumably the same one that James had left in the Ferris wheel.

A jolt of fear runs down James’s spine, but the monster doesn’t shoot or threaten him, instead it tosses the handgun into the boat and indicates again that he is to board. James obeys.

This time he rows away from the light instead of towards it. The monster stands on the dock, watching him go, until the fog conceals it. James keeps rowing with no aim other than away from the light. The pistol lying in the boat taunts him. It would be so easy to finish everything now, it would just take one bullet. And yet, the timing doesn’t feel quite right, as if the town has something more in mind for him.

Eventually — certainly faster than his last trip in a similar boat — James comes to a small island with a church. He disembarks, tying the rowboat to the dock as best he can, and enters the structure.

Like everywhere else in Silent Hill, the church is empty, although it doesn’t appear decrepit like so much of the town. Instead, despite the remote location and the outside giving the appearance that the church wasn’t often visited, the interior is pristine, as if it were an ordinary house of worship on a non-service day.

Light from the large rose window at the front draws James’s attention to the altar. He walks down the aisle, past the vacant pews. A plain envelope waits for him. On it is one word, a name: Maria.

James’s hands shake as he picks it up. At this point he has no choice but to open it, despite knowing full well that it promises no solace, only a mocking reminder of the last time he came to this town.

The handwriting is similar to Mary’s, but slanted differently.

Maria’s letter echoes the one from Mary almost a year ago. She expresses her pain and sorrow and her regret at causing him pain, even indirectly. But Maria also says a few things that are all her own.

_I do love you, James.  
_ _Despite knowing how this will end…_

_My fate was sealed when I first heard you call her name.  
From then on I was linked to you. _

_I know I could never replace her, but I hope I at least brought you some joy._

_I like to think you love me, in some fashion._   
_Even if it’s just a shadow of your love for her._   
_It’s enough for me._

Her letter ends in the same way as Mary’s:

_James…_

_You made me happy._

The paper slips from his fingers as he hurries from the church. He doesn’t stop until he reaches the boat.

Maria’s body lies there, positioned with her arms across her chest, ready for her burial. The pistol rests in her hands. James takes it and slips it back into his jacket pocket.

He unties the boat and begins to row away. There’s no particular destination in his mind. He just keeps rowing until he reaches a barren point on the lake. The island has long since vanished into the fog and the coastline is unperceivable. The only sign that there’s anything beyond the lake and the fog is the beam from the lighthouse.

James leans forward and tenderly caresses Maria’s face one last time.

“I’m sorry, Maria,” he murmurs. “I couldn’t accept losing Mary, and so you suffered too. Everything...it was because of me.”

He pulls the gun out and stares at it, considering, then presses the muzzle against his chest, pointing over his heart. The world starts to blur, and for a moment James begins to panic before he realizes that he’s crying. He’s been living with this pain for so long that the thought of finally ending it, ending everything, is a relief and the pent up emotions are flooding out of him as tears. He takes one last look at the woman lying in the boat. James isn’t sure if it’s his mind playing tricks on him or the town, but he truly can’t tell if she is Maria or Mary.

A single gunshot shatters the silence.


End file.
